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Exhuming TALES FROM THE CRYPT: DIEts from Beyond the Grave!

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“Unquiet meals make ill digestions.” – William Shakespeare, Richard III

Screenshot 2018 11 30 at 4.01.11 PM 300x228 - Exhuming TALES FROM THE CRYPT: DIEts from Beyond the Grave!Screenshot 2018 11 30 at 4.01.11 PM 300x228 - Exhuming TALES FROM THE CRYPT: DIEts from Beyond the Grave!Once I first found Tales from the Crypt as a shy little woman, fascinated by horror however not allowed to see it, a part of its enjoyable was sneaking the episodes whereas my mother and father have been asleep. These forbidden nuggets have been the edited FOX syndicated episodes, and both they favored sure episodes or my mind stubbornly simply is aware of the ones it likes greatest, however there’s a handful I keep in mind seeing a lot, far more typically than others.

This torrid triptych stands out in my thoughts each as episodes I each noticed a very good quantity and beloved fairly a bit again then. “What’s Cookin’” particularly shines, although as somebody who revered Christopher Lee as a Superman-loving child, seeing him in a scary, darkly humorous factor the place he was definitely NOT Clark Kent may need seared that a bit extra strongly. All that stated, this pack jogged my memory of my childhood fairly a bit once I revisited them, and like most of this column, seeing how that hits my grownup mind with that nostalgia cloud caught in there was enjoyable and greater than a bit unusual.

Anyway, sufficient about me! It’s time for con artists, magnificence queens and questionable cooks, they usually’re all ready proper down these stairs…


Season four, Episode four: “Seance” based mostly on Vault of Horror #25
Directed by: Gary Fleder
Written by: Harry Anderson
Initially aired: July four, 1992

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Screenshot 2018 11 30 at 3.30.33 PM 300x225 - Exhuming TALES FROM THE CRYPT: DIEts from Beyond the Grave!

Director and author pedigree: Directing the first of his two “Tales” episode, Gary Fleder has had what’s principally the preferrred profession to accompany doing an episode of Tales from the Crypt: He’s directed genre-adjacent movies with serial killers (Kiss the Women) basic crime (Issues to Do in Denver When You’re Lifeless) and much and LOTS of tv. Most lately, he mashed all of them collectively in the TV horror film A Midsummer’s Nightmare, written by The Shallows Anthony Jaswinski.

Harry “Richie Tozier in Night Court” Anderson is greatest recognized for his appearing roles, together with the earlier episode “Korman’s Kalamity.”

Working (clearly) predominantly in comedy, the late Anderson dipped his toes into writing horror simply this as soon as: right here! As somebody who was in certainly one of the most well-known Stephen King variations and had considered one of his earlier appearing roles in an episode of George Romero’s Tales from the Darkside, nevertheless, he wasn’t a neophyte to mixing the screaming with the laughing. I’ve talked about it earlier than, and it stays true: If they’ve any expertise in any respect, I’m an enormous fan of actors who additionally write. Particularly if you’re coping with a narrative that runs lower than half an hour, their ear for dialogue could be a actual boon.

Screenshot 2018 11 30 at 3.38.07 PM 300x212 - Exhuming TALES FROM THE CRYPT: DIEts from Beyond the Grave!Screenshot 2018 11 30 at 3.38.07 PM 300x212 - Exhuming TALES FROM THE CRYPT: DIEts from Beyond the Grave!Different notables: Cathy Moriarty and her smoky voice are legends (having your first appearing job ever be a number one position in Martin Scorsese’s Raging Bull will assist with that), and she or he did a tremendous job mixing kid-friendly scares and eye-rolling cynicism in the DEAD-action Casper film and the thinly-veiled William Fort tribute Matinee, directed by Joe “Why the hell did he never direct an episode?!” Dante.

Ben Cross performed the legendary Barnabas Collins in the less-than-legendary short-lived 1990’s revival of Darkish Shadows, and John Vernon has been in every thing from Killer Klowns from Outer Area to Alfred Hitchcock’s Topaz.

Does It Ship?: A con artist couple, Alison (Moriarty) and Benny (Cross), are out to hustle the rich and married Mr. Chalmers (Vernon) with some steamy pictures of an orchestrated tryst to get him to cough up the money. Issues take an sudden flip, nevertheless, and as an alternative, it appears like they’ll have to con a grieving, blind widow as an alternative. With the kalamitous karma of the crypt, although, I don’t assume we’ll have to fret about that poor woman an excessive amount of. Cue the greatest seance sequence since Invoice and Ted’s Bogus Journey!

This episode is pure, luxurious temper. Low, heat, flickering lighting, lovely interval clothes and music, and arch noir-style appearing from the forged. All of it pays off in Sam Spades, nevertheless, in one other cacophonous, ultra-gory EC celebration. As an alternative of seeming jarring, the bloody payoff is keyed so completely to how disgusting the couple is that it finally ends up being one among the greatest and most satisfying episodes of the season, and doubtless the whole collection.

Greatest Cryptkeeper line: “She has a great chest… cavity, that is.”


Season four, Episode 5: “Beauty Rest” based mostly on Vault of Horror #35
Directed by: Stephen Hopkins
Written by: Donald Longtooth
Initially aired: July 11, 1992

Screenshot 2018 11 30 at 3.35.14 PM 300x191 - Exhuming TALES FROM THE CRYPT: DIEts from Beyond the Grave!Screenshot 2018 11 30 at 3.35.14 PM 300x191 - Exhuming TALES FROM THE CRYPT: DIEts from Beyond the Grave!Director and author pedigree: Stephen Hopkins shall be greatest recognized to fright followers the most for guiding A Nightmare on Elm Road 5: The Dream Youngster and Predator 2 (written, in fact, by “Tales” alumni Jim and John Thomas from “Yellow”) That is the second of his three-episode run on “Tales.”

Ah, the mysterious Donald Longtooth returns from the grave. Who’s he? She? They? When you’ve got a scoop, get in touch with me! I’ve a deadline and I’d hate to not hack this thriller.

Different notables: It’s a daily Elm Road reunion! Jennifer “I’m beautiful… and bad!” Rubin from A Nightmare on Elm Road Three: Dream Warriors performs a jealous however intelligent magnificence contestant. Kathy Eire was a really profitable mannequin, positive, however who can overlook her flip in Alien from L.A.? This will even be editor Michael Robison’s final episode; he additionally labored on fairly a little bit of different style tv, from Poltergeist: The Legacy, The Lifeless Zone and The Collector.

Does It Ship?: Did you want “Top Billing,” however you’re able to see a reasonably shut model of it with ladies in the modeling world as an alternative? Boy, you positive have some particular tastes, however you’re in luck!

Helen (Mimi Rogers) is an exquisite however growing older mannequin. Like Lovitz in “Top Billing,” she’s gifted however always loses jobs to somebody youthful and perkier. Dropping the massive Ball Buster account (which has a hilariously superb business at the begin of the present, although who has the whole set-up for an costly business for an audition?) to her roommate Joyce (Eire) lastly units her off. When Joyce tells her she’s going to a magnificence pageant the place she’s already set as a winner, Helen decides to place sleeping tablets in her tea to take her place. Sadly, Helen is not any physician, and she or he’s no good at doses. The whole lot ought to type itself out as soon as she wins a magnificence competitors that celebrates internal magnificence although… proper?

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Screenshot 2018 11 30 at 3.35.52 PM 300x184 - Exhuming TALES FROM THE CRYPT: DIEts from Beyond the Grave!

Helen is a complete brat, and you may’t wait to see her comeuppance. This story has an amazing, bitchy tone that’s virtually a horror model of a latter-day Melrose Place episode. If that doesn’t sound like your cuppa, although, don’t fear. The ending shot is a type of deliciously ridiculous over-the-top setpieces that hints to bizarre secret societies that we’ll by no means know a rattling factor about. This one is additional trashy and additional enjoyable.

Greatest Cryptkeeper line: “Will she make it? Only her SCAREdresser knows for sure…”


Season four, Episode 6: “What’s Cookin’” based mostly on Hang-out of Worry #12
Directed by: Gilbert Adler
Written by: A. L. Katz
Initially aired: July 22, 1992

cookin2 300x150 - Exhuming TALES FROM THE CRYPT: DIEts from Beyond the Grave!cookin2 300x150 - Exhuming TALES FROM THE CRYPT: DIEts from Beyond the Grave!Director and author pedigree: The dream workforce of Adler and Katz are again! No workforce is extra true blood blue for Tales from the Crypt.

Different notables: Seeing the greatest Superman (cope with it) Christopher Reeve in a Cryptkeeper story is scrumptious, and Bess Armstrong is not any stranger to weirdness after starring in Jaws Three-D. Meatloaf is on this, Artwork LaFleur from the nice The Blob remake is just too… the forged is unimaginable. Judd Nelson as the sneaky butcher takes the steak, although.

Does It Ship?: “It’s a dog eat dog world, and we’re all just different flavors of Alpo.”

cookin1 300x225 - Exhuming TALES FROM THE CRYPT: DIEts from Beyond the Grave!cookin1 300x225 - Exhuming TALES FROM THE CRYPT: DIEts from Beyond the Grave!Erma (Armstrong) and Fred (Reeve) are operating an uncommon greasy spoon: They service squid-only dishes. Shockingly, enterprise is dangerous (I can’t consider individuals aren’t lining up for squid loaf! The logistics behind that alone are fascinating…), and their landlord Chumley (Meatloaf) threatens to close the place down if they will’t pay again their mortgage. That is the probability Gaston, a drifter turned busboy (Nelson) wants to offer some… particular meat. An previous household recipe. Quickly, the place is a hopping steak joint as individuals can’t get sufficient of their barbecue. It’s a story straight from the cannibal’s cookbook, and the solely factor that would break this comfortable meal is the wrestle over cash and energy… and this time it’s not over the invoice.

That is considered one of my favourite episodes. The tone is mild with out fooling around, the forged chemistry is superb, and it’s so unusual and gory (each scene in the meat locker is a tiny dream of Leatherface’s) and it proves you could be each lovable and utterly creepy.

Greatest Cryptkeeper line: “Talk about a flesh in the pan! I guess that’s what happens when you butcher money where your mouth is!”

BONUS! Greatest Cryptkeeper line from the DVD commentary: “This puts a whole new spin on The Breakfast Club!”


Based mostly in the extremely down-to-earth metropolis of Las Vegas, NV, Stephanie Crawford is a contract author and co-host on The Screamcast. You’ll be able to comply with her hijinks at Home of a Affordable Quantity of Horrors and on Twitter @scrawfish

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