Book of Blood Editorials Exhuming Tales From The Crypt Games George Romero Horror Television Malcolm McDowell Michael Berryman Tales From the Crypt Tim Roth Vampires

EXHUMING TALES FROM THE CRYPT: If the Vampires Don’t Kill Ya, the Undertakers Will

Screenshot 2018 09 27 at 3.51.49 PM 268x300 - EXHUMING TALES FROM THE CRYPT: If the Vampires Don

“To me, the most offensive thing about [The Seduction of the Innocent] was that Frederick Wertham presumed that everybody who read comics was a child or an idiot.” – Al Feldstein, EC Comics

I’m feeling sentimental this version.

Screenshot 2018 09 27 at 3.51.49 PM 268x300 - EXHUMING TALES FROM THE CRYPT: If the Vampires Don't Kill Ya, the Undertakers WillScreenshot 2018 09 27 at 3.51.49 PM 268x300 - EXHUMING TALES FROM THE CRYPT: If the Vampires Don't Kill Ya, the Undertakers WillSo, who have been the individuals the Tales from the Crypt TV present was initially focused in the direction of? Ostensibly, numerous youngsters who grew up with the numerous strains of EC Comics have been now of their 30s and 40s and the fundamental demographic subscribing to HBO, so it might comply with that they have been the brass rings. That stated, there are sufficient episodes that, whereas stoking the nostalgia flame to attraction to the child boomers remembering the good ol’ days of gore, would additionally attraction to their youngsters who have been sneaking their means onto the staircase to observe the present via the banister. Youngsters, particularly those that couldn’t con their method right into a rated-R film but, might additionally take pleasure in the horrific and sexual points of the present with the comforting levity of our dearly beloved Cryptkeeper, who virtually labored as the comedic ferryman for many who have been interested in horror however nonetheless fairly freaked out by it.

I used to be eager about this particularly with these three episodes. We’ve got a goofy vampire story, a straightforward-yet-gritty morality story that’s principally piloted by the-evil-that-economics-do, and a reasonably violent romp starring a bunch of youngsters. The one conclusion I can really come to is that Tales from the Crypt is sincerely the most democratic of tv exhibits. Horror hounds like it; those that aren’t actually into horror however take pleasure in one good scare on occasion dig it, and everybody else has to confess that it was nonetheless fairly fascinating that a present with such an uncommon conceit turned as huge of a popular culture phenomenon because it did.

Perhaps your mother and father watched it. Perhaps it was all the time you. Perhaps you’re introducing your youngsters to it proper now. No matter it’s, the crypt has all the time welcomed everybody. If you didn’t like one episode, properly, you’d nonetheless have to show in subsequent week as a result of, hey! No one survived the earlier one anyway, so that you’re protected! Until you have been a phony “moralizer” who fretted over fictional violence whereas doing nothing to assist victims of real-life horror, you had and nonetheless have entry to a bizarre lifeless uncle with countless dangerous puns and an (virtually) infinite parade of well-known actor victims.

So sufficient swooning: Let’s get to the chopping block and see what tasty morsels of terror fall off the slab this week…


Season three, Episode 7: “The Reluctant Vampire” based mostly on The Vault of Horror #20

Director: Elliot Silverstein

Written by: Terry Black

Initially aired: July 10, 1991

Director and author pedigree: Elliot Silverstein joins us for the first of 4 complete episodes directing, although he was no vampire1 300x232 - EXHUMING TALES FROM THE CRYPT: If the Vampires Don't Kill Ya, the Undertakers Willvampire1 300x232 - EXHUMING TALES FROM THE CRYPT: If the Vampires Don't Kill Ya, the Undertakers Willneophyte to tv. Beginning in the 1950s, he directed episodes of varied exhibits, together with Route 66 and The Twilight Zone. On the silver display, he’s greatest recognized for the basic Jane Fonda western Cat Ballou and 1977’s The Automotive, one in every of our best killer automotive films, which is unusually saying fairly a bit for that type of subgenre.

This column has sung the praises of Terry Black earlier than, however when you nonetheless haven’t seen Lifeless Warmth… c’mon, I solely advocate the greatest! Sadly, this can be his final full script for Tales, however a couple of years later he’d flip up performing some work for a number of episodes of the animated Tales from the Cryptkeeper present.

Different notables: Malcolm McDowell has made his method into the hearts of horror followers in a number of style footage, most notably in A Clockwork Orange, Cat Individuals and Rob Zombie’s Halloween movies for viewers of a sure age. Our Van Helsing character is performed by the fantastic Michael Berryman, whose horror royalty reign began with Wes Craven’s The Hills Have Eyes and has gone full stream by means of each decade since then.

vampire2 300x225 - EXHUMING TALES FROM THE CRYPT: If the Vampires Don't Kill Ya, the Undertakers Willvampire2 300x225 - EXHUMING TALES FROM THE CRYPT: If the Vampires Don't Kill Ya, the Undertakers WillDoes It Ship?: “The Reluctant Vampire” is a type of pleasant complete comedy episodes that avoids being tacky by sort of reveling in its personal bizarre appeal. Donald Longtooth (I adore it when a tone is instantly set with a personality’s identify) is a meek night time safety man for a blood financial institution. His boss is a leach (George “House and Cheers! Give this man a one-word title and he’ll give you gold!” Wendt), however the one brilliant spot in his day is the consideration of his adoring co-worker, Sally (Sandra Dickinson.) It’s a tough life… particularly in case you occur to be a vampire who’s sworn your self off from getting the pink stuff recent, and there’s an precise Van Helsing (Berryman) vampire hunter in your path. Ultimately, Longtooth’s bloodlust is aroused so typically by Sally-yes, we get the basic fangs-as-erection motif here-that when he hears the blood financial institution might shut down as a result of a scarcity of donations, he decides to feast on the filth of the night time to replenish the financial institution’s provide.

That is simply pure enjoyable from begin to end, from McDowell’s put-upon vampire giving the finger to the tv Van Helsing is being interviewed on to him questioning whether or not his victims are on treatment or had dental surgical procedure earlier than sinking his fangs into their jugular. With perhaps the sweetest and purest ending on the present up to now, this episode takes the greatest bits of comedic vampire films from the 80s and 90s whereas injecting a little bit of the previous extremely romance again in. Even his lair is fairly dreamy.

Greatest Cryptkeeper line: “Ah, it’s good to see two lovers so batty for one another. Now that’s a relationship they will REALLY sink their tooth into! 


Season three, Episode eight: “Easel Kill Ya” based mostly on The Vault of Horror #31

Director: John Harrison

Written by: Larry Wilson

Initially aired: July 17, 1991

easel2 300x225 - EXHUMING TALES FROM THE CRYPT: If the Vampires Don't Kill Ya, the Undertakers Willeasel2 300x225 - EXHUMING TALES FROM THE CRYPT: If the Vampires Don't Kill Ya, the Undertakers WillDirector and author pedigree: John Harrison began his directing profession with Tales from the Darkside episodes (later directing its theatrical movie), however his roots in the horror area began with earlier George Romero tasks. He was the first assistant director on Creepshow and Day of the Lifeless, and as a loyal Pittsburgh horror child, he government produced and acted in Results together with Tom Savini. He additionally directed 2009’s E-book of Blood, based mostly on the Clive Barker storie

Larry Wilson makes his debut as author on this episode, later returning to put in writing 4 extra episodes and direct one. Wilson wrote the story for Beetlejuice, and some months after “Easel” aired, The Addams Household film, additionally scripted by Wilson, would come out as a popular culture juggernaut: MC Hammer music video and all!

Different notables: Whereas he’d first make his identify with Tarantino and in Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Lifeless, Tim Roth additionally appeared as an ape in Tim Burton’s Planet of the Apes, which was completely on the cowl of Fangoria, and I don’t need anybody pretending it wasn’t.

William Atherton is as smarmy on this episode as he was in Ghostbusters and Die Arduous, bless him.

easel1 300x208 - EXHUMING TALES FROM THE CRYPT: If the Vampires Don't Kill Ya, the Undertakers Willeasel1 300x208 - EXHUMING TALES FROM THE CRYPT: If the Vampires Don't Kill Ya, the Undertakers WillDoes It Ship?: Jack Craig (Roth) is an artist on the edge: broke and struggling together with his sobriety, issues are wanting bleaker and bleaker. The one shiny spot is the curiosity a phenomenal member of his remedy, Sharon (Roya Megnot), takes in him. (These first two episodes undoubtedly have a supporting-woman-character-as-savior syndrome.) Issues come to a head one night time, nevertheless, as he by chance causes the dying of a loud neighbor. He feverishly begins portray the corpse in a uncommon match of inspiration, giving no thought to calling the authorities.

This darkish portray instantly sells for far more than Jack’s items often go for, and the shopper, Malcolm Mayflower (Atheron), lets him know that hundreds await if he can deliver him extra morbidly sensible works. Issues escalate as lethal authenticity turns into important to his work, and Jack shortly learns that karma doesn’t have to attend for an inventive temper to strike.

For some cause, “Easel” stands out in my reminiscence greater than a variety of episodes that I like extra. Whereas the plot is fascinating, it’s pretty paint-by-numbers (ha!) and sustains the similar notice all through. I feel it’s the temper: Roth has all the time been an extremely intense, arresting actor, and he units a unusually real looking tone for the whole factor. I’m additionally a bit obsessed together with his studio house, which truly does appear to be it will home a ravenous artist! It’s like a sadder model of the condo in The Lifetime of Emile Zola, besides with work, blood and faucet water as an alternative of books.

Greatest Cryptkeeper line: “You know, kiddies, some artists prefer watercolors, others prefer oils… but me? I prefer FINGER PAINTING!”


Season three, Episode 9: “Undertaking Palor” based mostly on Tales From The Crypt #39

Director: Michael Thau

Written by: Ron Finley

Initially aired: July 24, 1991

palor1 300x225 - EXHUMING TALES FROM THE CRYPT: If the Vampires Don't Kill Ya, the Undertakers Willpalor1 300x225 - EXHUMING TALES FROM THE CRYPT: If the Vampires Don't Kill Ya, the Undertakers WillDirector and author pedigree: Michael Thau didn’t direct an excessive amount of following this, and positively not in horror, however apparently sufficient he’s listed as the uncredited editor for the Two-Fisted Tales TV film, which strung collectively numerous Tales’ episodes for a hopeful spin-off TV present. 

Ron Finley would proceed to put in writing 4 extra episodes of Tales… and never a lot else! We do love a purist.

Different notables: John Glover is legendary for being an off-kilter oddball with a skinny veneer of normalcy, be it in Ed and His Lifeless Mom, Gremlins 2, Scrooged or Batman & Robin, and he lives as much as that sterling status right here.

Composer Nicholas Pike would work on just one episode of Tales, however he composed each single certainly one of the 44 episodes of Freddy’s Nightmares, plus Critters 2, Graveyard Shift and C.H.U.D. II: Bud the Chud. He additionally gained an Emmy for In Tahrir Sq.: 18 Days of Egypt’s Unfinished Revolution, however everyone knows what this column values.

Does It Ship?:  Jess (Jason Marsden), Aaron (Aron Eisenberg), Josh (Jonathan Quan) and Norm (Scott Fults) are preteen greatest pals. After a late night time (Richard Donner) film (in a cinema coated in Richard Donner film posters), they determine to make use of the camcorder Josh all the time carries round to make a REAL horror film. They cover and peep in on their native undertaker (Glover) who’s shortly proven to abuse the corpse of the city librarian (“I didn’t even know she was sick!”) by consuming meals round, then on, her earlier than “manipulating” her face with a sledgehammer. After one boy overhears an evil plot the undertaker is making with a pharmacist (Graham Jarvis), which is confirmed by the suspicious demise of considered one of their fathers the subsequent morning, the boys determine to undergo with that horror film concept… this one with a brand new revenge plot. Handheld digital camera motion! Double-crossing double crossers! Shoplifting! Weapons! Suction! Their plot really has all of it.

palor2 300x228 - EXHUMING TALES FROM THE CRYPT: If the Vampires Don't Kill Ya, the Undertakers Willpalor2 300x228 - EXHUMING TALES FROM THE CRYPT: If the Vampires Don't Kill Ya, the Undertakers WillThat is my absolute, #1, no query about it favourite episode of Tales from the Crypt. The horror, results, script, kinda-Stand By Me-dialogue and forged chemistry are all completely good, and having Jonathan Ke Quan from The Goonies solely helped. When the episode switches from its conventional fashion to the camcorder POV the boys are working, it’s such an efficient and easy means so as to add a recent really feel to the plot. A really small handful of episodes really feel like a whole film, and “Undertaking Palor” is completely certainly one of them. The allure is completely balanced with the humor and the genuinely disturbing scenes, and I want there was an entire collection spin-off about this gang of little dudes getting revenge on the depraved in numerous horror film trope methods.

Greatest Cryptkeeper line: “They’re just dying to get into the horror business… and if they’re lucky, that’s exactly what’s going to happen to them.”


Based mostly in the extremely down-to-earth metropolis of Las Vegas, NV, Stephanie Crawford is a contract author, co-host on The Screamcast and a frequent visitor on film-centric podcasts. You possibly can comply with her hijinks at Home of a Affordable Quantity of Horrors and on Twitter @scrawfish


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